Have you ever seen LesMis when the crazed cop screams out “I knew it!” I am having a similar moment. It’s like Golum in Lord of the Rings when he says “I found it. I did. The way thru the marshes. Orcs don’t use it. Orcs don’t know it.” An idea I thought that was unique to me has been published in a academic journal and tonight, I found it. It’s a recent article as well. The trail is still warm and I might make a comeback afterall.
Except in my case educated Orcs do know it and I must tiptoe around them for they are meaner and more educated than me and will eat me with ketchup. But I think that the so called Orcs would understand the Wow factor I am having and will let me have my cow in peace or choke on it which ever comes first lest I grow up and throw in with them and publish ideas of my own. Then the battle of who’s got the best insight may begin and I am a lover not a fighter when I can help it. Hence, I have not read more than the title of the article yet. I am too busy taking it in.
I feel like Mulder at the end of the X files series when he goes to Mount Weather and reads the ultimate Xphile truth and then can’t speak of it.
I need to digest that someone has written about this in a academic journal and been published. I have only read the title of the article and its almost enough but not quite. If I were not an agnostic I would feel the need to pray. As it is I feel the need to do my equivalent because this means I need to let the pieces fall into place of more than one picture and that is a good thing. There are insights to be found and work to be done. The question is how to put them in place in my own schema…what to throw away and what to keep. How cool is that to be validated in some way in print in a academic journal?
I look forward to reading the article and to be honest, it was always a matter of who would publish first since the answer was right out in the open but to have glimpsed the idea after reading others work on dissimilar subjects and integrating the thesis in my own mind fully ten years ago when I was only a MT underworked and underpaid, (which has not changed) gives me self respect and renews my faith in following my own nose. But this is a hobby project and something personal at the same time and I need to get some distance on it so I can better assess the work someone else has done. I am just thrilled someone has gone there and said it publicly and been published on top of it. I am apprehensive in a way but I can deal with academics and the process of producing the work which keeps me grounded and away from the kinds of drama I associate with the way I became aware of the thesis. But its a piece of history and part of it is a story I know and am familiar with. It’s not all madness, but it is grandiose.
I am asking myself right now if it is my story or not and how much of me, how much of what I associate with the story is mixed in with the articles findings. And before I can even think of speaking about it or writing it I have to answer that question because it will determine what story there is to tell. And then I will have to confront the fact that there is also the possibility of keeping my own counsel and what if anything, that implies.
I know I can do it. I can contribute to a upper level academic discourse on this topic that is current. That is now. That has so many implications.
Wish me Luck. I am going to need it.
Have I mentioned that I feel like I am on top of the world?