Articles, Drama, Health and Wellness, Musings, Rambliings, Uncategorized

Utterly Devestated and Totally Numb

The relationship has been over for months. At least six. But the drama wore on. It began when we split up the first time last January. He is a recovered addict and at the time, was over worked by the rehab he worked for. He was doing payroll, HR, some grants, all kinds of things. We rarely saw each other in the end. He blew up and left me over four text messages the size of a twitter tweet. When I tried to press him to explain he called me crazy and then said that he fully expected me to go to his ex wife to have his custody of his children revoked because I was bitter and angry. I was in shock. I still can’t explain why he said that or where he got that idea from. It makes no sense. I was devastated. At the time, I was out of my bipolar and depression meds and so I called my old boss and he loaned me the money to get them. I called, I texted, I asked if under the circumstances if he wanted to push me off the deep end or to cause me to have an episode out of sheer desperation. He said that was a threat against him and that he would have a restraining order put on me. Again, as if me having a mental breakdown when I don’t have a car or a way to get to the city he lived in was somehow going to cause me to go to that kind of extreme. He saw shadows and dangers where none existed. So I waited a month. And I went thru my mind and what little I knew about addiction and decided to say something to his boss about the level of stress he was obviously under. I was desperate to explain his behavior. Desperate. Nothing in my mind could account for so wild an accusation and so hateful a response. I latched onto the idea that it was work related and that the pressures he was under there must have been the source of the problem. My Warren would not do that to me. He couldn’t do that to me for no valid reason when I had done nothing to presume our relationship was more than casual to begin with. There was no excuse for assuming that I would attack him so viciously just because he wasn’t happy with me. It had to be because of work and that would explain why he was acting so paranoid and putting the blame on me.

So I wrote his boss a letter. I told him what had happened. I explained that I did not believe he had relapsed although a mutual friend was suspicious. I told his boss I did not think he would jeopardize his custody of his children so hard won with that kind of behavior but that obviously, something, somewhere was causing him to explode and end a twenty year friendship over next to nothing when it should have been a simple matter of him telling me it wasn’t working out romantically. I would have been upset and sad but it would have been ok with NO DRAMA. No desperate texts or pleading phone calls or letters. Just simply “Go and be happy” and “Ill talk to you in a few months when I am over it.” I questioned his work situation and said point blank I thought they were working him too hard and that the stress was showing in his personal relationships. They were responsible for managing his recovery and if I couldn’t tell them there were signs he was struggling, there was no where else to go. The fact that my background is in Wellness and Health is just a caveat. This was a personal situation I had a vested interest in. There was no professional component involved.

And so I muddled thru. Eventually the months wore on and he found out what I had done because I told him. He pulled his usual I’m going to call my lawyer routine and then we both got quiet. I mailed him a care package. He forgave me and we had a brief reunion that I still treasure. I still have some of the texts from that day. And then a few weeks later with no warning he lied about work. And when I offered to take him away for the weekend to the Spa he called me crazy and said I cost him his job and he completely went over the edge. He threatened me with physical and bodily harm and gave me a cussing like no man has ever given me. And I have been molested and raped. And none of them were as vicious and hateful as he was. I was traumatized. I called his work to verify he had been fired and to find out if my previous letter had played a role. They assured me he had been fired, would not tell me why and asked if I had heard from him. When I asked about my letter they said it was not a factor in their decision. A week later I called a second time to verify another aspect of his story that he was with his sister in Kansas City because I did not believe him. They corrected me and I broke down and never called again. Realizing I may not have had all the facts, I resumed trying to contact him. I offered to pay for him to have at least two months worth of therapy to deal with losing his job and all the fall out from it. I didn’t know what else to do, and he refused to tell me what had happened.

Months of me pleading and begging for forgiveness went by. Endless post cards and texts now and then. Then finally, the final blow. We had only been casual and he had also been seeing a woman who lived out of State. She stepped in to pay his legal bills, since it turned out he had been accused of stealing and had bought him a car so he could give his old one to his son. He is marrying her and has moved into her 24,000 square foot home in Florida on the beach.

I told him when we began seeing each other, that I could not compete with her and was not going to try. I have lived on the beach and worked in a tourist based economy and found out when 911 happened that with no degree, my prospects were dim. So I went back to college and now I am pursuing my Master’s degree. I currently have no car and am in the process of switching to an online University to complete a Master’s in Public Health or Healthcare Administration. That is the only way I can see that I will be able to finally be truly self sufficient and sustaining. I can’t compete with her. I never could. I am an apple and she is an orange.

And I am devastated. Not so much because of jealously, because it makes no sense. It hurts but I see her situation in a different light. I want to emulate her more than I want to defeat her. She had a different plan as a young woman. I respect that. And I refuse to let him twist me to the point I abuse her for being smart and goal oriented.

I don’t know how I feel anymore. I am heavy with grief and so numb I can’t even cry. I stay up all night and barely eat. I wanted to be his one and only more than I knew. I wanted his devotion, his honesty and his trust. I wanted his tenderness and his cock and to share his thoughts.

I don’t know how I lost him, but I lost him a long time ago.

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