So I saw my therapist today and we were attempting to chart a course for my grief work since it’s obviously been causing a problem when the relationship ended the second time in August. Blogging is part of that. I am going to have to make a conscious effort to grieve this loss. The way we were describing what has happened with me emotionally was like abortion. Only in this case, the normal grieving process was like a delayed pregnancy that causes sepsis in the mother and eventually kills both mother and child. What surfaced was anger and bargaining and a bit of denial.
My bargaining to maintain some sort of contact extended to trying to force him into therapy in order for me to stay quiet about his gaslighting and paranoid accusations from January and August. Bad Idea. Anger after the fact, about him rushing into marrying her when obviously he has realized correctly that she is just as willing as I am to do almost anything for him. That may make her a diamond in the rough no matter how you look at it in all fairness to her presuming she is not delusional for taking on his problems anymore than I was. Denial about his paranoia to begin with was the last one and the most messy. I can’t do much about that at this point. I kept and keep going back to his accusation that I was going to go to his ex wife to try and have his custody of the children taken away as if the sheer force of my emotional shock can or could make him come to his senses. As if by remaining in denial about my decision to say something to begin with over how outrageous and horribly confused he was to have even said it could have happened differently, as if there was something else I could have done, should have done. He was so angry and there was no comforting him or talking him out of his accusation with reason and emotion or logic. I keep thinking that I should have let it go and just walked away and let him cool off for a few months but I needed him myself so badly at the time and I was in denial about my own desire for commitment and so I pushed.
Even now, I know I did everything I could do by giving him access to my phone records and facebook messages so he could see for himself that I had not been communicating with his ex wife, with his boss in any way he did not know about, or with mutual friends. This provoked a flood of royally pissed off angry texts from him twisting my act of full disclosure into me yet again involving myself in his personal life. I see that as akin to gaslighting by virtue of the way it was reversed in meaning and intent. The point was for him to see I had not betrayed him and that I was worthy of forgiveness even if we didn’t make up but I guess he had by this point sunk so much into establishing a life line with her, that any action on my part was perceived as a threat.
So today, I am doing chakra clearing for the second chakra. I am burning my orange lotus candle, chakra two incense, taking a orange patchouli bath and wearing Aveda Chakra mist 2 with Chakra oil 1. I am reading my daily grief meditations and trying to blog this all in a way that isn’t a chore to read, working on my chakra paintings and waiting on my book on dialectical behavior therapy to arrive. I still want a grief workbook or a art therapy book. He was always a happy thought for me and I refuse to not do this work to let him go so he can be a happy memory again.