Today I am thinking about how he ran out of options. Like my Dad in many respects. Both of them out of time and having to take the fall back position. I wish I could focus on the positive in his new situation. That he used to date her, that he left her in a lurch emotionally. That this is a new beginning for him. But today, what I see is someone who played all his cards and came up short. With his family and many of his friends as well. At best, it’s a partial victory for him to start over with her, without his family, and unfortunately without his children, but at least, in some respects free from the past. It’s manipulative as hell. Is he marrying because he wants too or because it’s all he can offer her to buy her off and will she have him under such extreme conditions? Or is that just me being bi polar and putting into those categories because that is what I tend to do? How much of his drama is factual and how much is self created? I wonder about his covering for so many people with drug tests and trying too be too friendly with the people he was counseling. They betrayed him in the end because he had the wrong enemy in mind. He was still ambivalent about drugs thinking that just because he wasn’t using anymore that they couldn’t hurt him and they rose up and bit him out of spite. I am beginning to understand why people say ambivalence, like lies are poison. And it’s a lesson I wish I could ignore but I know I can’t.
The humanist in me, believes in bearing witness to others suffering because in the end, this life is all we know we have. If we can not affirm each other’s struggles by listening to another, by witnessing their lives, or hearing the truths they have to tell, we are somehow less than human. And less than what we can be. So I am blogging this today to bear witness to one who has gone down and out. Who has or may have given over the grief of an ex wife who he lost to pathological mourning for a lost love who had nothing but mourning left after he left her the first time. And in some strange way, it makes sense.
I love him. I miss him. I wish him better than this.
And perhaps he will heal and face his demons. The sea is good for that.