Lest anyone reading my accounting of this relationship think I have not gotten in a well timed blow or jab or two of my own, I am now going to account for my digs taken at his fiancée’s expense.
He last called me Jealous and I will state here for the record “Jealous of What?” Jealous when he all but reduced her to being a pity fuck because in his words she was “lonely” or because of his incessant paranoia and angry narcissistic behavior toward me? Oh yes, my jealousy can move mountains it is so vast and deep! Shallow is more like it. I am so ‘green’ with envy I can’t stand it. I admit to being a little jealous but nothing I can’t handle. I wouldn’t be human and grieving if I weren’t a little jealous as a matter of fact. What I am jealous of is their apparent ability to communicate better than he and I. That when all of this happened, he went to her and not to me. That does double me over with grief.
When I was clear headed when he told me about marrying her, before my anger about it surfaced, I tried to warn him that his family and Pathfinder would call her an enabler be it of the co-dependent or sociopathic variety. By the time my anger surfaced, I picked that up and turned it on her myself. Apparently, the two of them exchanged letters and cards while they were married to other people and I also picked that up and presumed to say that she undermined his first marriage and I may yet be proved right but that presupposes I know something I don’t and that was a wild accusation on my part. I don’t think I am ready to apologize for it yet and even if I did, it would be on this blog and not via text or email. They are living together and there is no excuse for contacting him anymore. Married or not and not even to apologize.
The truth of the matter is their business but I do find it suspect that they were in contact and obviously there is a deeper current of affection between them than there was between he and I. No matter what he said in between. I still ache about forgetting so much of my history with him and I can’t explain it and I am grieving over it. Deeply. I loved him and I still do.