Drama, Musings, Rambliings, Uncategorized

Insight


I was reading Freshly Pressed just a moment ago and came across this gem of wisdom from the post On the transgressive and provocative nature of Cards against Humanity: “the excitement of the game comes from the “the frisson of being deliberately provocative and transgressive.”  But experiencing frisson from deliberately doing something provocative only highlights the taboo nature of the provocative thing. One is deliberately provocative because we are all-too-aware of the boundary against which we are pushing. We derive “guilty pleasure” from enjoying a terrible film because we know that, by most measures, such a film is no good. In the same vein, the “guilty laughter” that occurs during a Cards Against Humanity game happens because we know that these are not things that one should be able to joke about, because they are, by every measure, terrible.”

So this makes me think about how I was texting and emailing despite his requests to stop contacting him. I did it I suppose because he had accused me illogically of heinous things. Of trying to have custody of his children revoked, of getting him fired. Totally crack ass crazy shit. I don’t know why really. I am ambivalent about what drove that. Truth should be a bodily feeling and while this ‘feels’ true it also feels ephemeral. And it may be that fact that drove me more than anything else. Trying to ease that sense of emotional anxiety his accusations brought up. I refuse to put this in a dualistic context but he acted totally irrational and immune to reason and I was reduced to begging him for five minutes to plead my case that he wasn’t justified in his accusations to begin with. Each time it happened, it was like coming up against a wall and what made it so painful, was that he seemed unconcerned with how hateful he was in his accusations to begin with. He acted like his illogic was reasonable, as if it made sense to begin with, and was justified. I had not attacked him on either occasion and on both occasions he called me crazy which to someone with a history of sexual abuse and bi polar disorder is a crushing death blow. At least it is to me. I wasn’t trying to fight with him; I wanted him to recant yes. But to fight, no. I wanted him to explain his feelings and why he had said that to begin with on both occasions. He refused every time and went to her. It’s not jealousy I feel when I think of her I feel that she outwitted me somehow in some ineffable way that she had a line to his thoughts and to his emotions that I lacked and yes, what I feel is tinged with jealousy but I am too devastated to do more than cry about his total disregard of me. How can or could I think about being jealous and afford the emotional luxury of jealous fantasies in the face of his total abandonment? He seems to think he left me that choice and he is mistaken.

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