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How I consciously choose to remember him


So a friend of mine upon hearing the news that I had deleted his old texts, sent some words of encouragement to affirm my healthy choice. The thing is, I realize that he may very well have apologized to get me to shut up, to stop blogging about him in public, and to try and break contact altogether. Rev Brown and I were talking about demagnetizing issues that create problems. And recently I bought some hematite and loadstone crystals. So despite the fact that I have given up on paganism and the new age philosophies that involve things like crystals, I said a prayer over the ones I did buy to pull negativity away from him and from this situation. It’s on my altar now. I wish him all the best. I sincerely do. I remember him as a humble man who could admit when he was wrong and who had no problem being a man at the same time. He’s not some dualistic caricature of masculinity despite his descent into relapse and addiction. Not when he is whole. I remember a man who was whole and complete and sufficient for himself and even if his apology was less than sincere, I want to believe in it and that he meant it. And so that is that and that is the story I am going to keep telling myself until I feel better about it.  

It does not change what he said and did and it does not take the pain away. Nothing can but time. Nothing but an explanation from him I may very well never get. And even if he did try, weather or not I would believe him remains to be seen. What he might say is anyone’ guess. But that presupposes he would take responsibility for his out of control projections and I don’t believe he is willing to do that right now. For whatever reason, he blames me as being part of the problem and his specifics don’t add up from where I sit. He would have to be willing to admit that his old job and boss may have lied to him about me and that may be a bigger betrayal than he can admit. Nothing else accounts for why he presumed I had been interfering in his business. Two phone calls that lasted less than 10 minutes and 5 minutes respectively do not add up to the magnitude of interference he thinks and believes they do. Nothing changes what he said and some of the things were hateful as hell. I am working on forgiving him and to be honest, it’s not hard. I do love him afterall and I still can’t accept the reality he tried to peddle me. I refuse to accept it and so I have accepted his apology at face value. It does not mean I wont grieve his loss. It does not mean I don’t dread the day I wake up with the realization he is married to her. It does not mean I won’t mourn. But I can let go and be happy for myself and for him. And that it is ok for me to not accept his reality and version of events. And hopefully, that will provide me some peace over time.

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