I’ve been giving some thought to the idea that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. We often think of grief, like any trauma as something to be bourne, making comments about having a stiff upper lip, or being proud of someone that they didn’t break down in public. Obviously, for me to be blogging my grief is a public statement. Not only have I thrown the idea of not breaking down in public out the window, it’s obvious or ought to be that I don’t care what anyone thinks of me because of it. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a process of finding meaning again after a great loss of some kind.
I for one happen to be talkative. It’s therapeutic for me to try and channel that instinct into writing because it can help me collect my thoughts. And blogging it out is better than talking about it non stop to friends and loved ones who don’t quite know how to respond or help me ease my pain. Even if no one reads my post on grief for the day, I know there is a record of it out in the world, in public to be witnessed by other members of humanity so that my suffering has meaning. Truly meaningless suffering should never be bourne and should be rebelled against as a form of evil. I also know that my blog may wind up a secret message in a bottle. Everything on the internet lasts in that there is an electronic record of it all somewhere to the trained eye. My posts may yet be discovered by future family members doing research on the family tree in the next few hundred years. So someone someday, if not immediately will read this and will know my truth.
I am sitting on the idea of asking him to explain his side of the story in a months time. I have drafted a letter and it’s waiting to be sent. I ask him some pointed questions and to be honest, I am going to wait at least a month before I send it so his anger can subside and to give myself time to decide if this is truly something I want to do or if I am just being a glutton for punishment. He has behaved so badly and even I am asking myself if I value his opinion enough to want to know what he thinks of me and why he handled the situation the way he did. Most of his accusations were outlandish and total conspiracy theories that involved his ex wife. Circular logic be damned! My kingdom for a sword to slay his circular logic! But I did not attack him in the ways he imagined. He is oblivious to his own circular logic and projected all his fears onto me and as he refused to talk to me, there was no way of pointing it out. He kept harping about how he was a certified substance abuse counselor as if this fact somehow made him immune to his own faulty reasoning. I am going to sit on the letter. I want enough time to pass so that he has some perspective and so that he feels secure in his new life before I send it. He is working on building a relationship with her at this point and I know he does not have a desire to think about me in any way right now. It would be rude to send it right away. I may wait six months. I am doing my own therapy for myself so I have other issues I can focus on until enough time has passed for both of us to have some perspective.