The last I heard from my ex, he intended to marry another woman. She gave him a lavish personal gift and rescued him from a legal cesspit. He moved in with her at her 24 thousand square foot beach house and told me in no uncertain terms he was done with me.
I still love him, to the point of unreasonableness. These are the things I am kicking around in my mind, as if I might somehow weasel him back into my bed a few times a year. I admit I am driven by sheer lust and a genuine affection for him. My own situation is less than ideal as a full time grad student and practically speaking, I ought to be seeking out single eligible bachelors or college professors to take over the costs and care of maintaining me. And while it definitely appeals and I am giving it thought, it’s my ex that I think of when I orgasm two years after we broke up and it’s his face and body I fantasize about being beside me, curling up on and making love too.
Here are a list of pros and cons to being a Mistress and some questions for reflection before I get serious about trying to make this role playing shift from fantasy to reality, presuming he would agree:
1. What do you want in a relationship?
So ask yourself: What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want a life partner? Do you want someone to go to family holidays with you and be available to celebrate your raise at work? Do you want someone to be with you at the hospital if your parent gets sick? If those are things you want, know that your affair partner may not ever be available for them. It is tempting to believe that he will leave his wife to create that life with you. Just be aware that the stats are very much against you; only 3 percent of men end up marrying their mistress.
2. What is the affair status bringing you?
There are lots of elements that are exciting in an affair. Love and lust can thrive in risky, dramatic situations. Maybe you feel special because he is breaking his vows for you; maybe you even feel powerful. Or maybe for you the affair is a way to keep things uncomplicated for your emotions — to maintain distance and a life of your own. After all, there are benefits to not having to meet family or spend every weekend together.
Ask yourself what feels good about this scenario and know what the role of the mistress offers you. Then ask yourself if there is a way you can get that for yourself in a relationship that might be more in line with your integrity.
3. Are you prepared to be seen as the bad guy?
Each relationship has its own complexities, and it is difficult to really understand the dynamics from the outside. However, as the mistress, it’s important to prepare yourself for negative responses and blaming. Are you prepared to take responsibility for this choice and the consequences that may come from it? Ask yourself how you would feel if important people in your life found out about this affair. That may also help you to see your own values and whether you are compromising yourself. What else are you risking?
Also know that if the affair is found out or your partner chooses to end it, you may be cut off emotionally in an abrupt and harsh way. You deserve to be treated respectfully, but you will have little say or right to negotiate how the affair ends if your partner is trying to repair things with his wife.
4. Are you getting support?
You need someone to talk to confidentially so that you can process what you’re feeling. It’s helpful if this is someone who won’t take sides and can help you see the big picture. Even though it may be painful, remember that there are at least three people involved (more if there is family), and each deserves consideration. The wife is not your enemy, and seeing things in black and white won’t serve you. And if you choose to walk away or the relationship ends with your partner calling it off, you need time to grieve. Get support from someone who understands that saying goodbye to a lover is hard, no matter what the relationship looked like or how it developed.
Melissa Fritchle is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Sex Therapist with a holistic private practice in Capitola, California. She is also an award-winning international sex educator offering workshops and trainings around the world. Follow her blog, Conscious Sexual Self at
Psychology of infidelity: Why, oh why, do people cheat?
- Extroversion: Driven by sexual desires and pleasure seeking, extroverts tend to look for situations to satisfy their needs.
- Emotional stability: The more emotionally stable a person is, the less likely to cheat he or she is.
- Openness: Those who are open to trying new things might be more likely to try infidelity as well.
- Agreeableness: People who disregard other people’s feelings and opinions might be more likely to cheat.
- Conscientiousness: Those who struggle to control impulses, and whose morals might not be structured, are more likely to be unfaithful.
Warnings about entering into relationships with those who are married:
If you think that you want to get involved with a man in a relationship or a married man PLEASE realize that you’re gong to have to deal with the following:
- You often feel like shit about yourself
- One or the other will eventually start to feel “more” and somebody’s feelings get hurt
- There is no way that it can last forever. In the end somebody decides it doesn’t work for them anymore
- The person not in the “serious” relationship is left alone at the end of this tryst and the “committed” person goes back to their “happy” relationship.
- You have no right to be angry when they say they want to “try to work things out” with their significant other.
- You are left with no leg to stand on and somehow your feelings don’t seem to matter
- There is often a heightened sense of emotion and passion that will not last once the “thrill” of the affair ebbs.
- Your tears go unshed until they aren’t around because nobody wants a mistress who sobs all over them, we are supposed to be eternally patient, sexually satisfying, fun, and devoid of the stresses of reality. (Read-unfeeling fuck machines)
I think it is pretty obvious that being a mistress is not somebody’s first choice, but it is a choice. It’s not something that is to be taken lightly. It’s not all thrills and fun on our side. Don’t get me wrong, at times it was…or else nobody would do it.
On being the Cuckold…not that the wife knows about the mistress, but the dynamic would play out between the Mistress and her Lover:
Cuckolding and Other Things
Diane’s full-fledged affair with Paul has blossomed into one that clearly has some deep affection and intimacy. He for Her and She for him. Despite Diane’s many and sincere professions of Her love for me, observing and experiencing the feelings they have for each other is a difficult thing for any husband (even a sissy wife like me) to deal with.
|In another man’s arms……|
When couples where the wife is dominant move into cuckolding, there’s probably an element of humiliation that both partners enjoy albeit from different perspectives. One dishes it out and the other is the recipient. The humiliation you often read about or see depicted in various photos or artworkwith a cuckolding theme often deals with the raw sexual aspect of the relationship. Whether it be the lover making ferocious love to the wife, the cuckold fluffing and cleaning or even sexual comparisons between the lover and the cuckold, sex is at the central theme of the literature, photographs or art.
But there’s a different type of humiliation and angst that arises when the wife and her new lover develop strong feelings for one another. i still believe that Diane loves me, but no matter how often She tells me and no matter what She does to express it, knowing She has deep feelings for Paul takes cuckolding to a different level in my opinion.