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How are you? Are you ok?


The tension between speaking and silence is so loud that I can’t describe the sound.

Has your case gone to court or been dropped?

Have you bought a ring?

Have you set a date?

Beach or Church?

Roses or Iris?

Casual or Formal Wear?

I don’t think you would rush into something if it was nothing and I wont be surprised if you were to live together for a few years before making any sudden moves down the aisle. You have never been stupid, impulsive yes. Stupid, no. Not to mention, why would should she not cover her own ass just in case? Rushing in is bullshit.

I will NEVER involve myself with any other addict ever again. For any reason, at any time. Period.

Do you love her? Do you love her or not?

I just find myself wondering why I cared to the extent that I sacrificed my pride when you have changed so much. If we had never dated and were just friends, it would be simple. But I care and we have dated before. Yeah, love does that but why beyond reasonable limits when you have asked me repeatedly to back off? I keep dancing the same steps and hoping against hope that the outcome is going to change. It’s asinine of me!  It’s not the fact that you’ve changed. Its really not that. You just used to put more value on your friends and associates and you definitely were more of a gentleman.

Have I changed that much in twenty years? You said I look exactly the same. Why does that sound like a movie line? I spoke with a Resort out in Vail Colorado about a possible interview. I am not reading into anything or any artistic or symbolic logic. No doppelganger here.

I accept that we all change and it is what it is, I am just confused and I am making things worse. I can’t run away fast enough at this point as if running could save lives.

I am so hurt today and sensitive to my own false illusions and hope. I don’t even know at the moment whom I am angry with – You, myself, your fiancée, your ex wife….Mike, people who may have given you false information about my trustworthiness….you not loving me and not wanting to be with me, is no excuse for indulging anger or jealousy after a certain point. After a certain point, it’s just negativity.

I fully accept that some things ARE too sketchy for me to get close too. Just because I live in the ghetto now, does not mean that I was raised to be ok with it’s logic, morals or values. It may be for the best that you don’t tell me everything. It’s just not the way I want to live all the time and I don’t think you want to live justifying that logic any longer either. Then again, I don’t know you like I used too. You have changed. That is no joke. As bad and as fucked up as things in your life are right now, you are at the bottom and have to climb your way out. She can help you in ways I simply can’t.

Because I know all of the above is true, I almost feel physically ill every time I reach out to you for the past year and a half. Your recovery and life is more important than any other shit about what I want romantically or sexually. End of Story at this point and forever unless you come to me and tell me you’ve changed your mind about me romantically, or that you want to be friends or even if you wanted me to create some professional wellness modules for you or to recommend a particular kind of alternative medicine practitioner.

I don’t want to change you. Ideally, I would like to be around while and when your rediscovering who you are.  I don’t want to mother you unless your deathly ill or experiencing bodily harm. It’s just that I know how you can be when you make a plan and pursue it. You told me you were going to marry her. You told me for a reason.

I miss you but at the moment I don’t know why. I wish I had grown up with a brother.

I don’t want to give up on you regaining your HEALTH. I don’t want to give up on you as a human being. I don’t want to leave you alone because I don’t know if you will harm yourself if you relapse and things get even worse. I also have to add the disclaimer, that this fear is not my responsibility. I have to walk away from it. I should never have gotten involved.

I do know that what we shared in the past two years very briefly here and there, was fraught with drama. You didn’t WANT to see what might develop between us. You didn’t want to give “us” time. She is a different story. I do feel short changed by that. I do think we have some kind of something that clicks. And you have consistently disagreed with me non stop.

I do know that I am crying as I write, bawling actually. I would have loved to have had someone in my life that I could trust completely. I have never had that with a man. Ever. Being with you, I think I might be willing to try things I have always been too insecure to try on my own. Starting a business, that kind of thing. Partnership in general.

I doubt I will be sent a wedding announcement of yours anytime soon.

Other than to be left alone and to not discuss you like a common gossip, do you need anything at all? Is there anything I can do?

What is more, with all the suspicion each of us may have about one another’s intentions or motivations for ever having gotten involved again in the first place, is there something I need to say Thank You for that I have neglected to acknowledge in any way? I have had no other option but to take note of how you have chosen to phrase and word things when we have argued and fought and that is why I am asking this question. I don’t think it ought to make sense that I have asked in case your wondering. Do I owe you for anything, laundry detergent, sun drops, cigarettes, anything at all? Do we owe each other some karmic debt on a spiritual or metaphysical level or is that symptomatic of why you seem to be so fond of calling me crazy and insane and abusive? Do I owe you for something tangible? A favor, looking the other way about something, for keeping me afloat for a few months, anything at all? All I do know, is that the lowest members of my apartment complex food chain tend to assume they are entitled to sexual favors when a woman asks for a cigarette or anything at all. It’s one thing to be acquainted with people AT A DISTANCE who behave this way. It’s another to offer them a soda or a cigarette when you have one to spare. But these aren’t the kind of people you take home to meet your family, or to sleep in your bed or to date.

I THINK I miss you from time to time. My heart is broken, I don’t fully understand why and I am confused about why I have pursued you when you have made your feelings for her clear and frankly, treated me like shit. I don’t understand why there is this assumption of an underlying friendship that would justify me keeping lines of communication open between us. You don’t accept that idea at all and reject this assumption or association at every turn and have been for a long, long time. I don’t know what I think or hope to accomplish anymore by telling you I love you.

Are you even in Florida at all? There is a part of me that questions that. How many women are currently or recently questioning your stories? What is the point of saying anything when nothing touches your heart?

There was no need at any point to have told me you were proposing to her.

How big is the diamond and who did you rob to pay for it? Convenient, it’s supposedly college women who are out for diamonds and a Mrs. Degree.

I no longer can find words to describe my pain. As badly as I would like to see you, I don’t know that I could stand to be in the same room with you any longer.

I really want to believe you are somewhere clean and healthy. Beach, Forrest, it doesn’t matter. Just healthy. Cullman is not healthy. Not at all. Period. Not in my book. Nooks and Crannies maybe. And that is a big Maybe. I don’t want to speculate about what the real facts are. I do know I am not going to ask again and if that does not bother you, then it’s your loss. There is no reason for you not to be with college educated woman, WORKING to pay off the whore who cheated on you while you were married, so you can start your life over before it’s too late. Period.

Be Well. I need to clear my head. I refuse to say I should be wearing a scarlet letter on my chest. Too many other women have apparently played that role in this drama better than I ever could.

Read it and don’t weep: I liked you 22 years ago. I love you now. I don’t know that I will make that mistake again.

 

Good One

 

 

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