I wrestled with catharsis today. The lack of sleep has now extended to at least the 36 hour mark. As I laid across my bed, prolonging my own discomfort in the present with cigarettes and soda and for the future, when they both run out, I suddenly became still. And gratefully, my mind began to drift. After an hour of contemplation on various themes I have for many years felt and sensed a unpleasant disconnect from, Alan Rickman of all human beings, walked thru my mind both backward, forward and as a metaphor after the fact.
The odd decentering of my inner life thru pop culture suddenly back in focus brought me close to “meaning” which is something like being close to God and the divine. Grace is another good word. Daylight, utter darkness and in between. I did not once see the face but I knew the movies my mind presented.
The classic (to me ) Sense and Sensibility from the 90’s. The scene where Kate Winslet finally accepted him, as he read poetry wasn’t the scene in my mind but that was the upshot. I saw his red jacket and hat when he was in the reeds.
In utter darkness with only the prior thought in mind, his back appeared as if Professor Snape at a distance was still teaching about idealism and the roles surrounding a golemesque judgment.
And the final verse, which did provoke a measured musing I am prayerfully sending to stir action tomorrow did in fact come first, during the writing of the card that will accompany it. Runes. And from months ago, a memory of all good, dry, solid things mixed in the mortar of The Tower.
Good night, Godspeed and remain blessed.