Quote of the day

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ” – M. Scott Peck

“Would you give your jacket to Johannes? SOS Child…” on YouTube

Would you give your jacket to Johannes? SOS Child…: http://youtu.be/L9O8j9QPZc8

Stereotypes about men, women and relationships

I read this article yesterday and at first I liked it. Then I took a second look. Read with caution ladies.

From Elephant Journal

There are two types of men you don’t need.

The ones that don’t care and the ones that do. The ones that don’t care will have moved on by now. So that leaves us.

The men still here.

We are a funny bunch. We’re a tangle of threads, as we try to escape the mould we’ve been poured in.

We feel before we see. Hearts first, curious minds sprinting to catch up and take in everything. We are chasms of love and affection just waiting to burst and we have an inability to hold a lie. We are watchers and thinkers, dreamers and empaths. We can run through a feeling more quickly than most and end up explaining the answer before we actually know the question.

We feel the word that’s bigger, better, more descriptive than “love.” We are the words that don’t yet exist.

We are the ones you don’t need.

We are the ones you attract with your promise of depth and desire for intimacy, for we see the truth in love and the trust in sex. We crave the deepness of vulnerability and the comfort of a best friend. Your flashing eyes and fancy words, your dreamy ways and your hint of something real, turns our hearts and locks our eyes.

We are the ones who see the other men and realize that, on the surface, their distance and apparent ease of passion is attractive to you. And we see the day that you realize that you wanted more than you had. We see the empty feeling after the unavailable stranger and whilst on one hand we’re envious, on another we’re sad.

Because you deserve so much more. Your body is too precious to be thrown at the first intriguing soul you fall in convenient love with. We know that you are worth more. Even if you don’t believe it yet.

We are the lovers that stay.

We are the ones who see truth behind fluff and sadness behind smiles.

We are the ones who will run at your heart. And we are the ones who fall hardest when we realize you can’t have us there.

We are the ones that really care.

We are the fools. The ones who never learn, who will disregard the advice of all around us to listen only to our hearts. We are the ones who will get back up and brace ourselves again and again. Because we are the ones that see you.

And yes, we are the ones who might need you.

Because we don’t understand why we would want to entangle ourselves with someone who doesn’t bring hope and wonder and magic and fizzy eyes to our world. And when we find that, there’s no way in hell we’re letting that go. But we are also the ones who see that you don’t want us to need you will run ruins in our hearts trying to change, so as to preserve you.

The problem with us is that we are too close to needy, too close to pushovers and too close to boys. But the truth is, we are some of the strongest men you will find. For sure, we will shy from a fist fight but show us your heart and we will battle black and blue. We are not a problem or a victim, but view us as like that and our empathy is such that we will inherit your vision.

See us through your fears and we will question them in ourselves.

We are a balance of truth seeking and strength. We want honesty and authenticity right along side dependability and honor.

We are the ones who will come back. Again and again and again. We will crave you and end up smothering you. We will analyze and predict and worry and “try harder.” Because we want to be visible.

Because the thing is, when you don’t need us, we’re not visible.

We become an option.

But we love too hard to narrow your choices.

We have been known to utter words like “half your heart is better than none of your heart.”

But it’s not.

And it kills us, really.

We’re not the type to up and leave. We believe in integrity and commitment and will never settle for a one night stand or fling or hook up or whatever else our souls are too old to understand.

We’ll stay.

And we will hardly ever point a finger at anyone but ourselves. We care about your beautiful heart, to tell you it hurts when it seems like you don’t care. And we are too quick to look within when something isn’t working.

No one likes a sap.

Neither do we.

And yet we are interpreted as such. We are seen as the doormats, the ones who lack confidence and the ones who are weak.

But you couldn’t be more wrong.

Because while your back is turned and your eyes are ignoring us, we are fighting battles in our hearts. And we are fighting both sides. We see our own worth and needs and stand up to your aloofness and distant love.

And then we fire straight back in defense of you. We argue that “if you don’t know, you don’t know” and that “it’s about intention” and that you “have the best of it.” We fight our own dialogue that growls at your cruelty and control, your hypocrisy and double standards.

We try to see those traits in ourselves before considering them in you.

We are our own worst critic. Not from a lack of self worth, rather from a sense of truth seeking and even if we end up being the bad guy we are so often seen as. There is nothing we could be accused of that we haven’t already considered.

And we are the ones who write articles about who we are and how we feel and what we think and then consider deleting the whole thing for fear of it not being entirely authentic.

But then, we are also the ones who believe in life and the path to happiness. So we’ll write an article that we’re not entirely sure of by the end, but a part of us will trust that it’s okay and that what our hearts want to sing will be heard.

And even though you think you don’t need us, we’ll stick around and love you anyway.

Because we like you.

And we’re a sucker for a woman who “don’t need no man.”


Relephant read:

I Promise to Touch You. 

Author: Andy Charrington

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickrflickr

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About Andy Charrington

Andy Charrington loves to write, runs his own web development business, has three sons and lives in Birmingham UK. You can catch his writing on his Facebook page.

Oh poor little addicts and more abuses of science in the name of Nietzsche

This is the flip side of the same pop culture paradigm that conflates recovery from narcissistic abuse with biological paradigms about addiction. This abuse purports to make the theory sound scientific while attacking the social sciences, culture,  alternative medicine and liberal arts as baseless. Only STEM disciplines matter. That this is part of aesthetics via continental philosophy wasn’t  important post 911 – the white bear mentioned by the author apparently was political party affiliation. There were orientlists to blame, homosexuals, satanists and a host of “others” as usual. Poor pitiful addicts…they never get any respect unless their married, pregnant or bisexual….

Full article from Psychology Today

Wisdom of the day

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ~ Steve Jobs


Don’t get comfortable Christians

ISIS releases video purporting to show the beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians.

Boredom: What is it and how should we respond?

Right Answer to Boredom

What is Boredom? Why would anyone other than someone who is bored be interested about the topic? Why write about it unless your creating solutions to a problem? Could boredom ever be healthy?

Boredom is a feeling first and foremost. It lies at the root of many illnesses, so many in fact, that the modern tourist economy can be traced to the rise of consumer based economic theory. Entire forests have been felled to produce the volumes of literature devoted to dispelling this fearsome specter that brings chaos in it’s wake. The Archbishop of Wales opined:

“We are a deeply, dangerously bored society. And we’re reluctant to look for the root of that. Why do we want to escape from the glories and difficulties of everyday life? Why do we want to escape into gambling or drugs or any other kind of fantasy? Why have we created a culture which seems more in love with fantasy than reality? Whether that’s gambling or drugs or, for that matter, the national lottery, we should be asking “What’s happened to us? Why are we so bored?”

In a comment about the presumed differences between urbanites and suburbanites, Reinhard Kuhn states ” She is tired of the magazine that she is reading or the television show that she is watching and mixes another cocktail for herself. Or perhaps she telephones an equally bored friend and they talk for hours about nothing, or perhaps she drifts into an affair that means as little to her as the television show or magazine article.”

These descriptions aren’t a flattering picture of modern societies and womanhood are they? Is it an excuse for anti-feminism or for economic criticism, religious criticism or is it indicative of an adjective, a description that in its discursive slant, illustrates the problem that hides in plain sight?

Richard Winter broaches the subject of boredom by listing adjectives to describe it.

  • Apathetic
  • drab
  • dull
  • colorless
  • ennui
  • humdrum
  • insipid
  • interminable
  • irksome
  • lifeless
  • lethargic
  • monotonous
  • mundane
  • repetitious
  • routine
  • stale
  • tedious
  • stodgy
  • tiresome
  • uninteresting
  • vapid
  • wearisome

Synonyms for Bored and Boredom are

  • interesting
  • absorbing
  • amusing
  • attractive
  • captivating
  • charismatic
  • compelling
  • delightful
  • engaging
  • engrossing
  • enthralling
  • entrancing
  • exotic
  • fascinating
  • gripping
  • riveting
  • stimulating
  • exciting

To bore someone is to weary them by “being dull, uninteresting or monotonous” and as Winter notes, is also mildly aggressive. To even argue that by enforcing boredom, we inflict pain on our spouse, our friends or loved ones, would require that we understand and recognize the emotion within ourselves.

Academics have only confused and conflated the problem with identifying emotions such as boredom with quotes such as this one, that not only abuse history and medicine but also art: ” a metaphor for the postmodern condition” – when writing about the emergence of the word into the cultural lexicon of the 1750’s!

Andy Warhol has summed up the modern view of boredom in his film Sleep where an audience (presumably pays to watch a man sleep for 8 solid hours! Rest assured, the clip below is only a minute and a half long, and at that length, may be longer than some sexual encounters, which brings up the various maladies and health disorders associated with boredom.

Addictions, family dysfunction, abuses of communication between those who love one another, all these are yet more symptoms of undiagnosed boredom that we attempt to treat with medication or with wellness paradigms that fail to educate about the emotional states common to the human condition. We are taught to climb rock walls to learn new ways to get high, to try dating and sex and even unprotected risky sex before we are ready, and of course, there are always drugs and other impulse control disorders that are commonly associated with boredom as a trigger factor or as a symptom.

We typically associate boredom with under stimulation and monotony. This is the wellness logic behind advertisements promoting exercise and yoga, rock climbing and the outdoors. Romanticism recycled as a cure for the evils and perils of the modern worlds ills. We see this clearly mass marketed in TV shows like Preppers and academics routinely lampoon such "cultural backwardness" as "conspiracy culture" and on and on. As cited above, the term postmodern or one of its variations is trotted out and used to criticize everything and sundry that represents a rejection of "progress."

But is it? All this, all these ideas are invalidated to avoid discussing an emotion: boredom.

In some spas flotation tanks or "sensory deprivation " tanks are utilized to promote altered states of consciousness. How do they achieve this? The effect is achieved thru under stimulation. Hallucinations, impaired thought processes, restlessness and mood swings occur if too much time is spent in the tank. For this reason, most spas don't have the staff to monitor guests mental health and elect not to offer the service. The point however about the side effects of boredom are profound.

Repetition also takes a lot of heat when the subject of boredom arises. Not only does it raise psychological questions that have fueled near culture wars about psychoanalysis, over medication and healthcare, it has been used as a reason to challenge universities that offer wellness programs, as evidence for cultural decline and economic malaise due to globalization.

Boredom. Such a fearsome beast. It's almost enough to drive people to suicide and one might be pardoned for wondering if it indeed does. What of a once happily married couple who no longer delights in one another's company? One begins drinking, the other has an affair. Or perhaps it's drugs or sex or both. Who is to blame? Would suggesting both individuals lack emotional maturity encourage them to slow down and work on self development help or harm?

What about the common internet troll? What about the chat rooms that proliferate online? I've always and still do compare them to buy, sell and trade magazines, or the Sunday shoppers where the occasional rant disguised as a public announcement are often published. Online, it's easier to recognize a real gripe from some psychological grandstand. Chances are, boredom prompted their rendition of "Teen Spirit" in a "grown-up" venue.

Any parent can tell us about the value of repetition as well. Small children love to hear bedtime stories and never seem to get tired of them, the same ones in their early years. The same toys and blankets, the same voices and smells and to their parents delight, they love to see the same faces day after day. Unlike soured romances and faithless lovers, children and animals know who butters their bread.

Assembly workers are the poster children for the physical ills of repetition. When we're young and when we allow ourselves to learn something new, we often find repetition has value. We learn 2+2 equals 4, we learn to walk, we learn to listen and to talk. When we get older, some of us learn to think! Athletes put up with a great deal of bodily repetition and show off the results.

Politics is another example. J.M. Barbalet is a sociologist who noted that boredom is also relieved by conflict. Those who have experienced the luxury of distancing themselves from the national tragedy of September 11th, 2001may or may not have noticed that at the time, that a push for "evidence based medicine" had been percolating since the mid 90's. What may not be as obvious were the effects upon related but distinct discourses and disciplines. Take psychology for example. Freud and Jung were both beginning to be subjected to the processes of not only peer review but presumably, "scientific rigor." Academia was the excuse as it so often is for those who recognize and can quote the names of modern gladiators and their forebears. Some of us earn our sheepskins and outlive either or both our competitors and our friends and some of us die young. Regardless of what is said about this sordid scene and how everyone was oblivious, it requires a collective variety of denials to say so; Osama did notice. And he wasn't alone. Meanwhile, criticism of “the French Nietzsche” was advanced and the critics opined it was time to think with “Nietzsche against Nietzsche” as early as 1991 in France. An English language publication did not emerge until 1994. Those who understand and know the upshot of what this implies should take a second look at history.

Boredom? Say it ain't so?

I remain curious but not too curious, about enlistment rates into the US armed forces prior to and post September 11th. What might those numbers tell a researcher about boredom and how might that research be used by the current VA health system?

More musings on boredom and biology next week!

Throwing in the towel

Borderlands of Health and Wellness:

Post Valentine’s Day Follow Up: Echoing my theme from the 14th about the perils of solipsism in relationships and thought.

Originally posted on Sometimes, it's just a cigar:

Jem got into a twitterspat tonight with someone who believes in the magical properties of safe words. For some BDSM people, safe words are magically retrospective; you may have harmed someone and hurt them, but it’s OK, because they can use their safe word to prevent you from doing any further damage.

In the week that Fifty Shades of Shite comes out, it’s important to understand the conundrums at the heart of the idea of safe words.

The first is the conundrum of why we need safe words at all. Safe words have existed for thousands of years; stop, don’t, no – they’re all words that have the effect of making a situation safe, provided everyone accepts them at face value.

So if you say that safe words are necessary, you’re saying that ordinary language will not work.Why not? Why would no, or stop, not work? I can only hazard…

View original 351 more words

On not being loved

“Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”


~ Frida Kahlo

Ambivalence on Valentine’s Day: Par for the course or a solipsistic excuse?

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”

(Woody Allen, Love and Death)

If there is more nuanced argument in favor of BDSM and staying in an unhealthy relationship than the one illustrated above, I have not heard of it or heard tell of one. Woody Allen as most of the first world knows is a child molester and failing that, took advantage of a young woman on the cusp of adulthood who just so happened to be his step daughter.

The quote above reminds me of why I chose not to purchase or physically buy a copy of Different Loving back in 2004-5. I made a comment to my younger sister back in 2000 while she was visiting me in St. Pete Beach that her decision to remain in the relationship she was then involved in was the equivalent of such behavior. I asked her at the time, if she would be willing to let the young man she was then dating take her favorite childhood toy and drag it thru the mud or otherwise abuse and destroy it.

I recently took my own advice yet again when trying to wrench my heart out of the grasp of an old flame who is no longer the man he was when we dated 22 or so years ago. Nothing is more heartbreaking than seeing someone you care about expressing the kinds of sentiments such as those expressed in the quote from Woody Allen above.

When BDSM is attacked by the moral majority or by psychologists as a perversion, it is presumed to be akin to fringe psychological theories associated with the specter of Theocratic religion which equate child sexual molestation with homosexuality, projection and the acting out of abuse. Any real difficulties associated with the actual WORK of being a part of a healthy relationship are presumed to be more heinous and significant than they may actually be and open the door to attacks on natural philosophy as an excuse for justifications of a religious foundation for everything from government to the family. All invasions of one kind or another into the private sector from numerous angles for the most suspicious of reasons.

Poor models for psychological health and attacks on the discipline of psychology itself created such issues as those above and also gave rise to the Satanic Panics of the late 70’s and early 1980’s. I still am of the opinion that when such paradigms are advanced that nothing natural is the issue and that what is truly being advanced via a Trojan Horse is the presumption of utilitarianism as a panacea. While I don’t doubt that philosophers such a Jeremy Bentham might once have been able to promote his concept in a strictly economic vein, questions of polygamy, naturalism and prostitution all center around the solipsistic clouding of issues when economics and privacy meet.


While I did purchase a copy of Different Loving in the past three years, I still have not read it. It seems that yet again, I lack the stomach for it. After all, what does a single unmarried woman need with such a book, when there are so many unhappy or happy as the case may be, married people clearly making good use of it without my assistance or help?

Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone! Remember, Massage Therapists are not only NOT prostitutes, we are not all endless wells of natural philosophy to be raped for utilitarian reasons by the unscrupulous and the ill-informed.

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